Monday, October 24, 2005 -
hadnt had much slp for the last few nights. u could see our eyes swollen and puffy. it has been a rollarcoaster ride full of ups and downs...but, i feel a need to be here tonight.throughout my whole 17 yrs on this planet called earth, i didnt quite know what is fear.till yest when i saw my gran for the final time.i could sense myself shaking so badly. my legs felt so wobbly i thought i was gonna collapse.mum told me to be mentally prepared if i wanna see her.god, was i scared.i was the oldest grandchildren and somehow the responsiblity of seeing gran for the last time on behalf of the young ones fell on me.pluck my courage and took the first step.but i crumbled upon looking at her lying motionless in the coffin.she didnt look like my gran at all.i guess all the making up wasnt successfulcause it wasnt her.my heart felt as though it was pricked by a million sharp needles, the pain was unbearable.in my memory, my gran wasnt suppose to die in this tragic manner.so i'll rather stick to the pretty image i had in my mind.gran shaped me into a stronger and better person after this. i apprectiate my life more and learnt to cherish my loved ones now. never take things for granted before something is lost.
this may sound cliche, but its true.finally, i realised the men in our family are courageous and brave.to protect the family and gran, uncle actually begged the freaking reporters to leave us alone.he lost his pride and dignity for us.my utmost respect for them.to GEE: babe, you didnt flee when i was down and needed someone to hear me out. times when i was lonely and afraid, you were there to assure me and catch my tears. this path was tough but i had you. thats enough. yr msges nv fail to perk me up though i wasnt in the mood to joke. it leaves a warm tinging sensation in my heart to know u truly care for me. really thnks so much girl! heart you to the moon and back!to ANNIE: i was really glad when i knew u were god damn worried abt how i was doing this while. you walked beside me and help me stand up on my feet. all i can say is thnk u...and still thnk u. truckloads of love!to YINGHUEY: though life wasnt very good for you, you didnt leave me alone by the side. instead, you checked on me once in a while and showered yr love on me. jean really appreciates that! best duddy hearts u plenty.to CHLOE: the distance betwn us didnt stop u from lending a helping hand. felt better when i knew i still had u guys to fall back on! i'll stay strong for all of u. miss you girl! to JERRY, JO, JEWEL: thnks for all the reassuring msges (: my life wouldnt be complete w/o you!to REST OF CLIQUE: theres so much i wanna say but i dont know how. hope u darlings can sense my heartfelt gratitude. i weren't alone after all. so u guys rock my world... *hugs tightlyas for those out there i didnt mention above, i still LOVE YOU PEEPS for yr turned my rainy days into sunny days.thank you.and grandma...thank you too.
jeanthemean
cried her heart out at 12:46 AM
