Wednesday, October 19, 2005 -
today, i finally realise the true meaning of heart-broken. deep down inside i could hear the fragile thing breaking into a zillion pieces. and i dont think i can piece it back like it use to anymore.
it wont be the same anymore.
i saw my mum crying her heart out.
i heard my mum sobbing in the phone.
but i couldnt do anything.
i wanted to give her a hug and told her everything is fine.
but all i could feel was tears streaming down my face. uncontrollable.
mummy, im so sorry. at that point of time, i didnt know how to face u. didnt know how to console u. u can call me fucking useless and loser. cause i sense fear creeping in on me. slowly bit by bit. tearing my heart apart.
maybe hiding in a corner will be good for me.
the absolut is not taking effect.
throughout the day, grandma was talking to me. her spirit. her soul.
her smile was so vibrant. its stuck in my head for the rest of my life.
she told me i had to be a pillar of strenght in my family.
she told me she never blamed me for not visiting her regularly.
she told me she will always watch over all of us up there.
she told me to cry out loud and live on.
last of all, she told me her love will never die though shes not here.
its easier said than done.
this is tooo fast.
i cant believe this is happening to me.
last sun, she was still bubbly and cheerful.
i drank my fav soup she specially cooked for me.
i regret not drinking the whole damn pot.
suddenly its sinking into me that she was gone.
GONE FROM THIS EARTH.
MY BELOVED GRANDMA WHO I FUCKING HAD NO COURAGE TO TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER WAS GONE.
will someone pls teach me what to do.
my headache is killing me!!!
my sis asked me why i was crying and i didnt know how to answer her.
my grandfather is really weak and bedridden.
hows he gonna take this devastating news when he couldnt bear to be apart frm gran a lil while?
im so afraid of losing him.
every now and then, i get so paranoid i had to call home to check on him.
to see if he was surviving well.
i will miss her calling out 'jean' as 'zean'.
i will miss her shouting and screaming cause thats the way we communicate.
i will miss her yummilcious soup.
i will miss her care, patient and love when she babysit me when i was a baby.
i will miss her laughter.
i will miss teaching her how to pronounce 'plaza singapura' correctly.
i will miss challenging her to endless basketball matches.
i will miss the way she smiles whenever she does sth wrong.
i will miss EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING ABT HER.
grandma, this is for you. (:
*force a bright smile
so wat if i keep myself busy and try not to think tooo much.
it will suddenly occur to me again.
tears starts falling and the cycle repeats.
i just cant stop thinking abt it.
just when i started to make a effort to go visit my grandma weekly,
god must play this terrible joke on me.
what a unfair world.
i learnt not to take my loved ones for granted and i paid a heavy price for it.
AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCK YOU.
all i want for christmas... is my grandma.
i dont bloody recognise myself anymore.
jeanthemean
cried her heart out at 11:27 PM
